In the absence of everything that provided me company I found an intimacy beyond the Danube river as my eyes gazed upon the ancient buildings of mustard and brown hues. It was in the gloomy skies that I found the reflection of my soul on that day, 24 hours after turning 30, and yet, found that I had within me a love so pure and deep for the life I had grown to hold. There embedded between the ancient structures was life and history tucked in. The lives of those in the past so firmly written for those of us to come and behold with our eyes.
How much has humanity changed within the last couple of centuries? I have come to believe there is no unknown change one person has gone through after another decades ago. It’s all relative and there is no absolute truth. Just as I can come across someone from a completely different continent and share views about ourselves only to realize it’s my thoughts he’s been thinking, it’s my words he’s been speaking, and it’s my desires he’s been going after, I am sure Hemingway, Locke and Donne would all come to the realization that time is just a divide between generations yet not between views, thoughts, and desires among humans.
Upon turning 30 this weekend, I was asked the question of “what do you want for your 30th year of life?” And though every year I strive to learn something new to be a better human being, this year feels more than special. As humans we live our lives based on either two things: love or fear. Fear is the root of all things negative, even those we classify as hatred, comfort, anger, etc.
I have been a slave of fear for over 20 years. More specifically rejecting the idea that someone can actually care for me because if they do care then I am prone to let my guard down. And so I’ve slaved on working hard to build that wall keeping many as outsiders and only allowing them to look into the corners of my heart through a looking glass. It’s been tiring, needless to say. And at 30, all I want for this new year—and new decade— is to stop being afraid. So what if I love and don’t get reciprocated? I should love merely to love and not to receive anything in return. So what if I give my all but only receive a decimal of what I thought I should get back from friends, a potential love. As far as I know they have proved they love me. There is a cycle that never ceases to engulf me—waterfalls. The water flows one way, yet it is never drained. Every time I see one I get lost in its cycle of giving. Somehow it is always fulfilled, fulfilled enough to keep on giving. So let it be—I tell myself as I walk along the Danube river on this gloomy but rather peaceful day— let your love be like a waterfall. Just give love and somehow you will be always be fulfilled. But before that can happen, the absence of fear must be present.
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