Memories

So my birthday came and went. Lucky for me, this year I got to celebrate it twice. I celebrated with much cake here in Korea and the second day with many texts and FaceTime calls from friends and family a day behind back in America. Needless to say, turning a year older has brought on the need to reminisce about my life. The good and the bad. Though as I lie in bed now, I realize my memories are faded. Bits and pieces, here and there. How, I wonder, would I know who I am without my memories? Memories are the choices I've made in the past. Memories are the consequences of my actions. Memories are the events that made me laugh and made me cry. Memories are the ones that make me binge on episodes of Gilmore Girls simply because they remind me of my past life. I know it's said that "our past doesn't define us", however, it does. It is what we choose to do with our past choices, in our present, that defines us. 

From depression to attempted suicide, from drugs to mission trips; I never want to forget. I never want to forget what it was like to live without God in my life... 

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."-- George Santayana

From the earth

Sometimes it is hard to sit still and listen.

Coming to Korea, technically under the label of "missionary" nonetheless to work while getting paid enough to pay back my student loans, i didn't really know what to expect as a servant of God. Many "friends" on Facebook didn't hold back from mentioning either, how I would only be considered a missionary once I was in countries where Christians are being persecuted for their faith. Therefore, if I wasn't having to hide the fact that I was a Christian or if I wasn't outwardly calling myself anything else but a missionary then I really wasn't being a real missionary. While this hit me hard, I realized I started believing it. "I'm not a missionary" I started telling myself. "I'm getting paid, I can travel," missionaries can't do that. However, each Friday night I'd get together with a group of students wanting to practice their English or simply make up an absence from class, I started realizing the need for a real true missionary in a fast developing country such as South Korea. No, I do not have to hide the fact that I believe in a living God. No I do not have to fear for my life as a Christian. I do however, see that more than 50% of the students are not happy. They have admitted to their lack of self fulfillment and their lack of peace, as well as their unbelief in God. While I have never been one to force anything upon anyone, whether good or bad, I can only see myself doing the best I can. And that is to share what I know to be true, God has been the answer to everything in my life.

Growing up in a Christian home did not guarantee my belief in God. It most certainly did not stir up an undivided love for Him either. In fact, it was what I felt pushed me to the opposite edge, seeking a life where there was no God. I do not know with certainty what choice in my life caused the domino effect that led me to wander in darkness; all I know is that at my lowest God called me and I listened. I came to know God. Not for what I had been told my entire childhood, and not for what I had learned in church. I came to know Him because I was willing to get to know Him. 

Sometimes I look at my life, and I look at us called Christians, and I realize if we truly lived in harmony with God's will we wouldn't need to preach. We wouldn't need to convince anyone that God is real. It would simply just come to show. Many people are unhappy. Unsatisfied. Miserable. There are things going on in the world that are devastating to any human heart. And since some can't come up with a clear, logical answer as to why so much evil, so much suffering, they choose to blame it on God. "Religion causes wars" they say. It makes me wonder, how much of our worldview is subjective rather than objective? We are in this world together. As a true believer of God I am not automatically granted with a perfect, loving nature. It does however give me the knowledge I need to represent the character of the God I believe in. My job here in Korea is not to convert atheists to a religion, it is not to point wrong from right, but rather to glorify God in everything I do. The rest will simply follow. 

"Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10

What have I been doing since I arrived in South Korea? 

That's easy to guess- eating. 

There are so many places to eat here. Restaurant after restaurant. I wish I had a bigger stomach so I could never stop eating. 

My first encounter with obstacles was when all my options for a meal had meat. I have been a vegetarian for the past 3 years now. It's been great. Until you come to Korea. I had never known of people eating so much meat. 

Girls are stylish. I'm surprised to see so many wear short skirts, dresses, and shorts. I mean I always had the impression that Asians felt more conservative in that way. (Ignorance on my part of course). 

The heat/humidity it is unbearable. Probably so because I have been walking a lot. Being from California where we only walk from our front door to the car, it's been quite overwhelming dealing with the sweat generated by this unforgivable heat and humidity. But if you're a food lover like me then the food totally compensates for it. 

Although I have been enjoying everything Korean, the small part of American in me was elated when I found Starbucks at my disposition just half a mile from where I am. I suppose when the culture shock finally hits me, Starbucks will be my place of consolation. 

For now, I'm soaking in the feeling of being a foreigner, the feelings of amazement at all the unknown things and have I mentioned the delicious food? Yeah, traveling is awesome. 

"There will always be the unknown. There will always be the unprovable. But faith confronts those frontiers with a thrilling leap. Then life becomes vibrant with adventure!"- Robert Schuller

Life Lessons of a 27 year old

I've learned.
I've learned that everything really is a choice.
That admitting to one's faults means nothing if one is not doing anything to change those faults.
That forgiving is not the same as forgetting.
That men tend to commit to things they don't intend to follow through. (Can't understand why).
That english literature is a wonderful subject except when it comes to graded papers. There are no definite right or wrong answers.
That friendship is (or should be) a life commitment. Just as marriage friends should take vows when starting a friendship.
That you should keep your enemies close and your friends closer, because your enemies will not give up their lives for you.
Not to judge, criticize or even try to understand someone else's mistakes, sins, problems, etc. because every single person is different, has their reasons, has committed mistakes/sins and I truly cannot know how they feel.
That I like individuals and not a group of people, ethnicity, or of a specific religion.
That I should just be a listener and only an advice/opinion giver when asked for it.
That when people speak of depression or suicide, 98% of the time they're ignorant fools that should keep their mouths shut.
That when I don't know something, it's best to stay quiet.
That wisdom does not always come with age. Travel, life problems, abandonment, death, pain, are all factors that change a person.
That one can truly choose how long to feel pain or what to feel pain for.
That loving yourself is not the same as thinking you're better than others.
That if you can't spend time alone then you must be a very boring person. (Extroverts can only have a great time when they're surrounded by an audience, that's too bad 😝)
That an average-looking person that loves him or her self is much more beautiful than the most gorgeous person that thinks their eyebrows are too thick or their elbows are not the right shape.
That loving life does not mean you'll always be happy or positive.
That the more I grow, the more there is to learn.
That.......

To Know Wisdom

I'm not worried about what my future will bring. I'm not even worried about the happenstance waiting around the corner plotting to steal my heart. I'm 27, hard to believe. I still find myself at times thinking "being 26 is..." As my thought trails off realizing with a hint of shock that I'm actually three years away from turning thirty. What does it feel like? I ask my friend who just turned 30. Is it knowing you are no longer allowed to joke with those of 25 years or less? Or is it some kind of "I-know-better-than-to-do-that" type of feeling? I am 27 years old now and I have yet to know exactly what that entails for I still feel (and act according to most) like I'm nowhere past my 21st birthday. Yet, I have sensed within me a mental ability to no longer care about social conventions. Truly, I have never embraced my peculiarities-mental, physical and emotional- more than I do now. I can finally try out the bathing suit I really like and think "I will buy it" regardless of the norm that only slender girls look "good" in a two piece bathing suit. I can finally understand that there's a fine line between letting your feelings take control of you and you taking control of your feelings. I can choose whether or not I want to be sad about something. I can choose how long I will cry over the loss of my most recent relationship and how much time I will put into reminiscing about the guy I once thought I loved. I can't say for sure if I have finally mastered the art of self confidence, all I can say is I have never been more in control of my own self than I am now. Is that what it means to be 27 going down the road into your 30's? To finally realize that who you are is the best you can be because there is just no one else exactly like you? I don't know. All I know is that I can finally gloat-without feeling pretentious- about the immense number of people that I know truly love me due to the fact that no matter how bad of a friend, daughter, sister or girlfriend I may be sometimes, these people still look for me over and over again seeking my company, my voice, my laughter and blunt jokes. I've been seriously (or jokingly?) proposed marriage by 3 guys thus far, one Hispanic, one African American and one American with a hint of Italian. Am I going to pretend I know why? No, because regardless of how I may see myself I know I have flaws. Yet, despite all that, I can say I am truly loved, and spoiled at that.  Maturity does not come wrapped up in every birthday. It comes from knowing yourself. I forget where I read this, I think it was the book of proverbs- "to know yourself is to know wisdom" (note: Proverbs verse actually says "to acquire wisdom is to love yourself")

It's snowing over here. I have realized I'm learning what I truly love in life. I truly love snow. I can stand out there in the snow for minutes on end. It is the simplicity that makes it so beautiful... Looks like stars falling.