The Thing About Grief

There’s a funny thing about grief. A funny thing about grief that after so many years of carrying that weight the absence of a loved one leaves in its stead, it becomes so familiar, so embedded in every cell of our bodies. It becomes our most familiar self because in time we not only know it by name, we can recognize it in ourselves when we look in the mirror. There’s a funny thing about grief, that though so unbearable is the pain of seeing a loved one in your dreams it is even more intolerable waking up to never seeing them again. 

And after many years have gone and eradicated their voice away, their scent, their presence, the only thing that stays is the grief that never loses its grip. There’s a funny thing about grief because after all the memories start fading away one by one the reality is that one holds on to that grief instead because it is all that truly remains connecting us to that one who came and left a void never to be filled. It’s going to be more than 20 years now since you've been gone and though sometimes the grief feels like it was just today I saw you lying in that coffin, I am more afraid of the days when I don’t feel it because the truth is, I just don’t know who I am if I’m not grieving you. 

Prague- Finally Home

Very recently, I had the privilege of going back to my ideal city, my little Utopia— Prague. The first time I was there I never truly quite understood what it was about that city that made me feel the way it did, all I knew was that my feelings of peace, sense of security, and desire to settle were far too real for me to ignore for a long time after I had left. And so it was that when I heard of the opportunity to go back there, to stay in the same place I had the first time, to bring back to life the memories that had for a while been put away on a shelf gathering dust in the confinements of my mind, I jumped at the possibility.

As soon as I stepped off the plane and onto Czech territory, I realized without a doubt that one day, this is where I want to lay myself to sleep every night. It was as time had stood still and the past year had been erased from my existence. The time between my last there and now had been nothing but a pause in time. It was as though I had never left. 

Once again I walked on those cobblestone streets while gazing upon the colorful, ancient architecture of each building. Once again I sat down to enjoy my favorite choice of coffee in the charming coffeeshops spread throughout the city. 

I took my time to breathe in the familiar yet strange feeling of belonging. 

What it was that captivated me so about this city, I did not really know. It wasn’t until the end of my time there that came around the corner like a thief ready to steal everything that’s ever made me truly happy, I finally recognized that my love for this place was not found in the buildings, or the sights, neither in the coffeeshops or the parks, rather it was in the feeling that no matter who I was, what I did, what I chose to be, I would never, ever feel like a stranger. In the span throughout my years I have never had a real sense of belonging anywhere, for one reason or another I never felt I had a “home” per se, that is until I finally found it tucked between four other European countries. 

I left Prague for the second time on January 6th at 6:55pm. This time, I am not sad nor feel nostalgic about it, for I know it will always be there for me whenever I am finally ready to grow roots of my very own. Until then, I always have the consolation that in my heart and mind, I know I finally have found a place to call HOME. 

Budapest-Almost Home

In the absence of everything that provided  me company I found an intimacy beyond the Danube river as my eyes gazed upon the ancient buildings of mustard and brown hues. It was in the gloomy skies that I found the reflection of my soul on that day, 24 hours after turning 30, and yet, found that I had within me a love so pure and deep for the life I had grown to hold. There embedded between the ancient structures was life and history tucked in. The lives of those in the past so firmly written for those of us to come and behold with our eyes. 

How much has humanity changed within the last couple of centuries? I have come to believe there is no unknown change one  person has gone through after another decades ago. It’s all relative and there is no absolute truth. Just as I can come across someone from a completely different continent and share views about ourselves only to realize it’s my thoughts he’s been thinking, it’s my words he’s been speaking, and it’s my desires he’s been going after, I am sure Hemingway, Locke and Donne would all come to the realization that time is just a divide between generations yet not between views, thoughts, and desires among humans. 

Upon turning 30 this weekend, I was asked the question of “what do you want for your 30th year of life?” And though every year I strive to learn something new to be a better human being, this year feels more than special. As humans we live our lives based on either two things: love or fear. Fear is the root of all things negative, even those we classify as hatred, comfort, anger, etc. 

I have been a slave of fear for over 20 years. More specifically rejecting the idea that someone can actually care for me because if they do care then I am prone to let my guard down. And so I’ve slaved on working hard to build that wall keeping many as outsiders and only allowing them to look into the corners of my heart through a looking glass. It’s been tiring, needless to say. And at 30, all I want for this new year—and new decade— is to stop being afraid. So what if I love and don’t get reciprocated? I should love merely to love and not to receive anything in return. So what if I give my all but only receive a decimal of what I thought I should get back from friends, a potential love. As far as I know they have proved they love me. There is a cycle that never ceases to engulf me—waterfalls. The water flows one way, yet it is never drained. Every time I see one I get lost in its cycle of giving. Somehow it is always fulfilled, fulfilled enough to keep on giving. So let it be—I tell myself as I walk along the Danube river on this gloomy but rather peaceful day— let your love be like a waterfall. Just give love and somehow you will be always be fulfilled. But before that can happen, the absence of fear must be present. 

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All for the sake of today, he wrote upon his wall. 

He wrote it upon his wall as he remembered that it had been his actions the very ones that had now brought him to where he was today. 

He had multiple times voiced that he didn’t want her by his side. He did not, and truly rejected, entering on a new road of life with someone by his side. 

And now, here he was. 

Exactly where he had said he wanted to be, alone, and utterly living a life with no one by his side. 

But “all for the sake of today” he repeated to himself out loud as he walked a few steps backwards away from the wall and looked upon the written words brightly shining on the freshly painted wall. 

Paint dripping off the letters “A” of All and “day” of today. 

His heart wrung with anguish at the thought that yet again another had walked away. 

She had walked away, and though he knew he had told her clearly he didn't want her, he also knew it had been his intention for her to hold on to him just a little longer. If only they could fight, just one more time. 

If only they would try, just one more time, he would be able to see that they were truly committed. Yet, none of them stayed. 

All walked away. 

And it was for the best in the end, he knew. 

For alone he had grown to live and alone 

he would grow to die. 

Like Father, like Son

There is something so beautiful in the live portrait that is next to me on this last night in one of my most favorite cities in the world. The counted hours and mere seconds, though unaware have kept on counting the uncountable, they have for now and at least for me counted down to the last few hours I will be in Prague. As such, I decided to have a ritual of my own. A goodbye to my beloved. What started with a late evening lunch at my favorite café Saldkvosky then moved on to my next favorite cafe Kavarna Sláger with a double cappuccino and a slice of raspberries cheesecake. Writing and reading, and drinking and eating. The hours drew on painting the bright blue sky with its dark night hues and sprinkled lights here and there. In the midst of reading If on a winter’s night a traveller I looked to my left and caught the eye of an eight year old boy—my assumptions of course. I smiled and he smiled faintly, with the awareness that I am a stranger. His father joined him a few seconds later as well as a huge slice of chocolate and whipped cream covered cake—or cheesecake— accompanied by a glass bottle of Coca-Cola. The father only sipping on a beer, perhaps. And as the boy enjoys that cake with great delight that only a child can, the father speaks to him in Czech and watches him with tender eyes. It is not merely the fact that on a Tuesday evening here is a father and son sitting across each other having an actual conversation. It is not merely the fact that this boy is enjoying the delights of sugar as any child desires, but here is the portrait of a relationship so intimate unobstructed by the countless—and yes these are countable— things that have come between so many fathers and sons, mothers and daughters.  

It is by far more precious than the hundreds of years old statues around the city and far more worthwhile than gazing at the beautiful, and colorful buildings that are spread around the city. 

Unfortunately, I did not have the privilege of growing up or even meeting my own father. And though I have wondered one too many times what it would be like to have had him, I can say that for now, this image, this most vivid and live image of father and son sitting next to me has imprinted the perfect emblem of what I would like to have the day I can have a family of my own.  A perfect way, in my opinion, to say, until next time my beloved Prague.

What is the object of your desire?

It’s been stated that more than a million people travel each year to visit “one of the most iconic archaeological sites in the world”. A place where many have found themselves gazing not only at the marvelous ability of humanity in creating a fantastical city but also feeling the immense peace that nature can offer. Yet, while millions are looking down on this wonder of the world, feeling the beauty of it take over their senses, another has his back turned to it, capturing a moment on the simplest of things: blades of grass. Which brings me to my question: what is the object of your desire? And is it truly wrong to desire that which thousands have not even given it a second glance?

Things you will find in Prague

“You take delight not in a city's seven or seventy wonders, but in the answer it gives to a question of yours.” -- Italo Calvino

Prague is by far my favorite city in the world. Sure, every time I heard about Prague I heard nothing but great things. It is a small city, it has great public transportation, it is cheap and the best places to eat vegetarian/vegan food as well as for meat eaters. You can rent a nice apartment for $250 USD/month and get this, go to the movies, buy popcorn and soda all for about $8. But that is not all, I mean the people here are friendly, they don't mind accommodating Americans with their lack of spoken languages so most people here speak english and don't seem bothered by having to do so. It is a fairy tale city with its castle sitting on top of a hill overlooking Charles Bridge and its cobblestone streets. Not to mention that one feels safe walking through dim-lit parks at night and leaving your Mac on the table while you go to the restroom-- though this is something that always gives me anxiety while I am in the toilet. And definitely no pickpockets on public transportation. It is, needless to say, perfect.

Or is it?

Well just as with everything in life, it has its pros just as much as its cons. One thing you will be sure to find on the streets is none other than dog poop. Yes. Dog Poop everywhere. Freshly made and the way you'll know that is because someone hasn't been unfortunate enough to step on it. Other than that, you'll always see how the unfortunate ones dragged it along for a few meters on the cobblestone trying to get rid of the curse, and the stink.
If you're a runner you'll have to travel a bit to get to a nice park where you will be sure you won't be stepping on dog poop while you're on that runner's high.
My first day here, while I did not step on any, I was rolling my suitcase on the street when it happened to roll over some old dog poop. What a great beginning to my adventure here, I thought.
But, guys and girls, so far that is it. That is all I have found unfavorable in this magical city. Of course, it is just a small nuisance that in the end it is far worth the outcome if you get to spend a few days here. Just keep your eyes on the road as I have.

My favorite place to eat thus far, Café Sladkvoskÿ
I have been eating everything on the menu that is listed as Vegan/vegetarian and not once have I been disappointed. The decoration, the service and the prices are all too good to just come once. And the best part is that I am living just across the street.

Lose the Map, Find Yourself

What do two people do who waited in the freezing cold for hours only to realize the bus that they were waiting on doesn’t have room for them? They lose the map and find themselves. 

Danilo turning to the left, to the left (props to you if you get it). Looking nostalgic, perhaps thinking of Patrick.

Watching Prague go by as we don our matching hats. Disclaimer** No bunnies were destroyed in the making of the hats.

Aside from all the silliness, yesterday was sort of an object lesson for me. I have always been the type of person that likes to plan ahead. I always have a schedule for my daily routine and "appointments". I always had my life planned up to a year, and I always knew what I wanted in life. Well, I am 29 years old now and for the first time in my life I cannot make up my mind on what it is I truly want for myself. I have absolutely no idea what I will be doing or even where I will be for that matter in the next month. And while it is a great recipe for adventure and living life on the edge, at some point I gotta stop and ask myself, what is it that I really want to do with my life?

As we rode on the tram yesterday, I kept thinking, "where are we going?" "we are leaving the city, we may not find anything interesting out here" "I should just look at google maps and find something where we can eat". However, in the end I opted for not giving it a second thought and yes, to just enjoy the ride. I lost myself looking out the window, watching the people go by on their daily life. A grandma cleaning her windows. A couple holding hands, walking on the street while she looked up at him with that smile that you just know, she is in love. I saw people walking to the west and to the east. I saw a father playing with his children at a park, bouncing up and down on a trampoline  And I saw for the first time, what life really is. It is people getting older,  people having children, people falling in love, and people rushing to and from work. Life is a cycle and and we all go through it. The difference lies in how we choose to go through it. 

While I still do not have the answers I am seeking at this moment, I just know that for now, how I choose to go through life is by never stopping to feel like every day is an adventure. 

Snows of Kilimanjaro

One of the most daunting realizations I've ever come to have is that I can do anything I set my mind to. I can travel the world even when I have no money in my savings account. I can now run 5K everyday when I could barely run for 5 minutes. I can live in another country and make close friends even when I don't speak the language. Anyone can do anything  they set their mind to except, make someone love them---- that being said, I've decided I'm going to climb Mount Kilimanjaro this September.

Why Kilimanjaro and not Everest? Simple, I once read a short story written by my fellow Ernest Hemingway titled, "The Snows of Kilimanjaro" and he's also the one that said, "There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self."

So, in an attempt at being superior to my former self I've determined to conquer this mountain. 

Diaries of South Korea

I have now entered my 8th month of living in South Korea. So far, I have written subjective thoughts about what it's like being here. I think it's time I write something more neutral for anyone that is wanting to get a glimpse of this country. I find it very interesting- for lack of a better word- that most Americans are terrible with geography and history. Before leaving America, upon being asked where I was going, I'd say “Korea”. For me it was simple. It was obvious it was South Korea, because really, we should all know the situation between North and South Korea. Right? Right. 

Anyway, I am in South Korea. The first 6 months were the hardest. Culture shock? Adapting to new people? I think it had to do more with the work schedule. First class started at 7am and last class ended at 9:10pm. Mind you, I had a 3 hour break from 12pm-3pm for lunch and a quick nap. 

Not only was the schedule a nightmare but being an introvert, an INTP at that, I found it exhausting having to constantly deal with people the whole day. So weekends would come, and I would not leave my bed unless it was to grab some food or go to the bathroom. 

This is not what I had signed up for, I thought every single day as I woke up to go to work. Though, everyday I thought that was the day I would break my contract and leave, I didn't do it. I vowed I would see my commitment through because, after all, that had been one of the main reasons I had signed a one-year contract; to learn commitment. 

It is now April 3rd and I have finally began to embrace my life here in Korea. I have not been to many places outside of Seoul but I will mention the few areas I have been to and that I really enjoy frequenting. 

 Myengdong 

This area is for the avid shopper. It is an oasis of clothing stores, beauty shops, electronics, boutiques, and the best of all, food street vendors. Here you will find two H&M’s on the same street, a forever 21, Zara,  Nike store, UniQlo, among others. For beauty shops you will find, the Body Shop, the Aritaum, and Etude House, of course these are only some among many. 

Now on to the food street vendors. They start setting up around 4pm or so. As I am a vegetarian there isn't many food options for me here but I do find that I can eat fried bananas, fried cheese, strawberries covered in their famous red bean custard (or whatever it is called). All of these cost about 3,000 won. Oh and I can't forget about the roasted chestnuts! Newfound deliciousness. For meat lovers they sell all kinds of things, from chicken to squid, to crab. 

Also if you love cats or dogs, they have many cafes where you can mingle with any of these lovely animals for a de-stressing time after so much shopping and eating.

 Hongdae 

This is not typically my favorite but it's an up and coming hipster area. You'll see young Asian men and women dressed in the most eccentric fashion. There is a university located here, hence the young population. While there is room for shopping, Hongdae is best well known for their night scene. However, if you are older than 28 years old you may as well go find another place to hang out because (as some of my students told me) most nightclubs will not let you in if you are older than 28. Also, if you are looking for a place to do something new with your hair, I feel I must mention the hair salon Soonsiki. After looking for a trustworthy place to make a change with my hair color, I found this place. The guy named BK- or Bek- as he calls himself, is a top notch hairstylist. He speaks good English and is confident about doing the job right. Just be aware that it is not very cheap. Though after seeing what he did with my hair, I felt every penny I paid was worth it. 

 Itaewon 

This area is mostly known for all the expats living there. You'll find yourself surrounded by many foreigners, so much so that for a split second you'll wonder if you have left Korea. You can find the best places to eat, great Mexican food made by a Korean guy- he lived in Guadalajara, Mexico for one year. Also, a vegetarian bean burger at a pub called the Wolfhound. For vegans there is a cafe called Plant. And for those not willing to be adventurous you can always find your regular American restaurants such as On the Border, Outback Steakhouse, etc.

 Insadong 

To be honest, I don't really like this area too much, but as a foreigner visiting once is enough. Here you can buy all the souvenirs you need. Traditional candies, keychains, and the opportunity to dress in traditional Korean clothes (Hanbok) and get your pictures taken. 

These are the areas I have frequented the most. My favorite is Myengdong. I like to get lost in the crowd and go unnoticed while I enjoy some fried bananas! South Korea has a lot to offer.

A Weakness so Strong

In the loneliest hours of the night I lie awake, hearing the melody of a song being played in my head like the parting words of a recent lost love. Each year I learn that I haven't learned a thing. My only comfort lies in the fact that my heart is getting stronger. Up until now, I had not known how much drive I could have once I put all my feelings into good use. Emotions are overrated. We only accept the positive ones and reject with disgust the negative ones. But why? We were all endowed with the same emotions, positive and negative. Not necessarily good and bad. There is a time for everything, as my fellow Solomon says. So why is it that when we are the most sad or angry we try to suppress those emotions? They're a coping mechanism for our mental health if we know how to control them. The problem lies when we allow these emotions to take control over us. Over the past year I've learned a valuable lesson. Knowledge will never defeat infatuation. The mind knows but the heart feels and sadly, it always has the last word. Until it needs rescuing. Mind over matter then. Time to patch up the wounds and let time do what it does best.
The rarity is finding within you a weakness so strong you didn't know you had. And seeing through your own tears a future so bright that pushes you to finally take the leap into the unknown of a beginning.

“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭56:8‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Memories

So my birthday came and went. Lucky for me, this year I got to celebrate it twice. I celebrated with much cake here in Korea and the second day with many texts and FaceTime calls from friends and family a day behind back in America. Needless to say, turning a year older has brought on the need to reminisce about my life. The good and the bad. Though as I lie in bed now, I realize my memories are faded. Bits and pieces, here and there. How, I wonder, would I know who I am without my memories? Memories are the choices I've made in the past. Memories are the consequences of my actions. Memories are the events that made me laugh and made me cry. Memories are the ones that make me binge on episodes of Gilmore Girls simply because they remind me of my past life. I know it's said that "our past doesn't define us", however, it does. It is what we choose to do with our past choices, in our present, that defines us. 

From depression to attempted suicide, from drugs to mission trips; I never want to forget. I never want to forget what it was like to live without God in my life... 

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."-- George Santayana

From the earth

Sometimes it is hard to sit still and listen.

Coming to Korea, technically under the label of "missionary" nonetheless to work while getting paid enough to pay back my student loans, i didn't really know what to expect as a servant of God. Many "friends" on Facebook didn't hold back from mentioning either, how I would only be considered a missionary once I was in countries where Christians are being persecuted for their faith. Therefore, if I wasn't having to hide the fact that I was a Christian or if I wasn't outwardly calling myself anything else but a missionary then I really wasn't being a real missionary. While this hit me hard, I realized I started believing it. "I'm not a missionary" I started telling myself. "I'm getting paid, I can travel," missionaries can't do that. However, each Friday night I'd get together with a group of students wanting to practice their English or simply make up an absence from class, I started realizing the need for a real true missionary in a fast developing country such as South Korea. No, I do not have to hide the fact that I believe in a living God. No I do not have to fear for my life as a Christian. I do however, see that more than 50% of the students are not happy. They have admitted to their lack of self fulfillment and their lack of peace, as well as their unbelief in God. While I have never been one to force anything upon anyone, whether good or bad, I can only see myself doing the best I can. And that is to share what I know to be true, God has been the answer to everything in my life.

Growing up in a Christian home did not guarantee my belief in God. It most certainly did not stir up an undivided love for Him either. In fact, it was what I felt pushed me to the opposite edge, seeking a life where there was no God. I do not know with certainty what choice in my life caused the domino effect that led me to wander in darkness; all I know is that at my lowest God called me and I listened. I came to know God. Not for what I had been told my entire childhood, and not for what I had learned in church. I came to know Him because I was willing to get to know Him. 

Sometimes I look at my life, and I look at us called Christians, and I realize if we truly lived in harmony with God's will we wouldn't need to preach. We wouldn't need to convince anyone that God is real. It would simply just come to show. Many people are unhappy. Unsatisfied. Miserable. There are things going on in the world that are devastating to any human heart. And since some can't come up with a clear, logical answer as to why so much evil, so much suffering, they choose to blame it on God. "Religion causes wars" they say. It makes me wonder, how much of our worldview is subjective rather than objective? We are in this world together. As a true believer of God I am not automatically granted with a perfect, loving nature. It does however give me the knowledge I need to represent the character of the God I believe in. My job here in Korea is not to convert atheists to a religion, it is not to point wrong from right, but rather to glorify God in everything I do. The rest will simply follow. 

"Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10

What have I been doing since I arrived in South Korea? 

That's easy to guess- eating. 

There are so many places to eat here. Restaurant after restaurant. I wish I had a bigger stomach so I could never stop eating. 

My first encounter with obstacles was when all my options for a meal had meat. I have been a vegetarian for the past 3 years now. It's been great. Until you come to Korea. I had never known of people eating so much meat. 

Girls are stylish. I'm surprised to see so many wear short skirts, dresses, and shorts. I mean I always had the impression that Asians felt more conservative in that way. (Ignorance on my part of course). 

The heat/humidity it is unbearable. Probably so because I have been walking a lot. Being from California where we only walk from our front door to the car, it's been quite overwhelming dealing with the sweat generated by this unforgivable heat and humidity. But if you're a food lover like me then the food totally compensates for it. 

Although I have been enjoying everything Korean, the small part of American in me was elated when I found Starbucks at my disposition just half a mile from where I am. I suppose when the culture shock finally hits me, Starbucks will be my place of consolation. 

For now, I'm soaking in the feeling of being a foreigner, the feelings of amazement at all the unknown things and have I mentioned the delicious food? Yeah, traveling is awesome. 

"There will always be the unknown. There will always be the unprovable. But faith confronts those frontiers with a thrilling leap. Then life becomes vibrant with adventure!"- Robert Schuller

Life Lessons of a 27 year old

I've learned.
I've learned that everything really is a choice.
That admitting to one's faults means nothing if one is not doing anything to change those faults.
That forgiving is not the same as forgetting.
That men tend to commit to things they don't intend to follow through. (Can't understand why).
That english literature is a wonderful subject except when it comes to graded papers. There are no definite right or wrong answers.
That friendship is (or should be) a life commitment. Just as marriage friends should take vows when starting a friendship.
That you should keep your enemies close and your friends closer, because your enemies will not give up their lives for you.
Not to judge, criticize or even try to understand someone else's mistakes, sins, problems, etc. because every single person is different, has their reasons, has committed mistakes/sins and I truly cannot know how they feel.
That I like individuals and not a group of people, ethnicity, or of a specific religion.
That I should just be a listener and only an advice/opinion giver when asked for it.
That when people speak of depression or suicide, 98% of the time they're ignorant fools that should keep their mouths shut.
That when I don't know something, it's best to stay quiet.
That wisdom does not always come with age. Travel, life problems, abandonment, death, pain, are all factors that change a person.
That one can truly choose how long to feel pain or what to feel pain for.
That loving yourself is not the same as thinking you're better than others.
That if you can't spend time alone then you must be a very boring person. (Extroverts can only have a great time when they're surrounded by an audience, that's too bad 😝)
That an average-looking person that loves him or her self is much more beautiful than the most gorgeous person that thinks their eyebrows are too thick or their elbows are not the right shape.
That loving life does not mean you'll always be happy or positive.
That the more I grow, the more there is to learn.
That.......

To Know Wisdom

I'm not worried about what my future will bring. I'm not even worried about the happenstance waiting around the corner plotting to steal my heart. I'm 27, hard to believe. I still find myself at times thinking "being 26 is..." As my thought trails off realizing with a hint of shock that I'm actually three years away from turning thirty. What does it feel like? I ask my friend who just turned 30. Is it knowing you are no longer allowed to joke with those of 25 years or less? Or is it some kind of "I-know-better-than-to-do-that" type of feeling? I am 27 years old now and I have yet to know exactly what that entails for I still feel (and act according to most) like I'm nowhere past my 21st birthday. Yet, I have sensed within me a mental ability to no longer care about social conventions. Truly, I have never embraced my peculiarities-mental, physical and emotional- more than I do now. I can finally try out the bathing suit I really like and think "I will buy it" regardless of the norm that only slender girls look "good" in a two piece bathing suit. I can finally understand that there's a fine line between letting your feelings take control of you and you taking control of your feelings. I can choose whether or not I want to be sad about something. I can choose how long I will cry over the loss of my most recent relationship and how much time I will put into reminiscing about the guy I once thought I loved. I can't say for sure if I have finally mastered the art of self confidence, all I can say is I have never been more in control of my own self than I am now. Is that what it means to be 27 going down the road into your 30's? To finally realize that who you are is the best you can be because there is just no one else exactly like you? I don't know. All I know is that I can finally gloat-without feeling pretentious- about the immense number of people that I know truly love me due to the fact that no matter how bad of a friend, daughter, sister or girlfriend I may be sometimes, these people still look for me over and over again seeking my company, my voice, my laughter and blunt jokes. I've been seriously (or jokingly?) proposed marriage by 3 guys thus far, one Hispanic, one African American and one American with a hint of Italian. Am I going to pretend I know why? No, because regardless of how I may see myself I know I have flaws. Yet, despite all that, I can say I am truly loved, and spoiled at that.  Maturity does not come wrapped up in every birthday. It comes from knowing yourself. I forget where I read this, I think it was the book of proverbs- "to know yourself is to know wisdom" (note: Proverbs verse actually says "to acquire wisdom is to love yourself")

It's snowing over here. I have realized I'm learning what I truly love in life. I truly love snow. I can stand out there in the snow for minutes on end. It is the simplicity that makes it so beautiful... Looks like stars falling.

Because...

In Creative Writing class we read Jamaica Kincain's poem/prose titled Girl and as an exercise we were supposed to write something similar to that writing style. Oddly enough, the day before I had started writing something that gave birth to the following excerpt.

Because the Christian walk is not always a smooth path down the yellow brick road.

Because the choice is simply mine. Because I am the only one that has the power to say “enough.” Because I am the only one at risk here. Because I am, ultimately, the only one dying here. Because I have the power to end this madness. -Stay here with me- it tells me. -I just want to love you and lavish you with attention, it’s all about instant gratification-. I can’t, because I have to keep moving forward. Because I simply can’t go back to where I came from. Because I can’t keep on betraying the One that loves me. Because I need to stop being so selfish. Because I need to die to self. Because sooner or later I have to make a choice, because -No one can serve two masters.- Because I have already been there. Because I can’t possibly make the same mistake more than twice. Because I can’t possibly choose to live in misery. Because I can’t go back into the darkness. Because I am at a risk of losing something greater than life. Because it is no longer about guilt or fear or punishment or death itself. It is merely because the Love I’ve had, I can no longer live without.

Sincerely, Me

Sometimes you come around a passage of writing that so perfectly and beautifully describes exactly what you've been dying to portray with your own words and fingers that you can't help but wonder if in some other dimension you might've written that yourself through the hands of another. Such has been the case for me in the following paragraph written by singer Lana Del Rey. I must say, although I am in a different mental state of mind now, I still can't help but admit that this sounds very much like the girl I once was. Hence, a part of me still shivers with the cold that sweeps over me as these words bring back to life the ghosts that once upon a time haunted me. In my present, I have found solace in the love of a God I have come to know and learn to love but being that I am a human; an imperfect one at that, I can say my heart still resonates with every single word she writes, more so with this line: "there's no use in talking to people who have home. They have no idea what it's like to seek safety in other people - for home to be wherever you lay your head." My past is my past and for one reason or another, I always felt like I was always on the move searching for a place- or person- to call home. A piece of that past is somehow still being dragged behind by my present, and maybe it will until God brings me across the man - or place - that will become my home here on earth.

So here it is:
"I was in the winter of my life, and the men I met along the road were my only summer.
At night I fell asleep with visions of myself, dancing and laughing and crying with them.
Three years down the line of being on an endless world tour, and my memories of them were the only things that sustained me, and my only real happy times.
I was a singer - not a very popular one,
I once had dreams of becoming a beautiful poet, but upon an unfortunate series of events saw those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky that I wished on over and over again, sparkling and broken.
But I didn't really mind because I knew that it takes getting everything you ever wanted, and then losing it to know what true freedom is.
When the people I used to know found out what I had been doing, how I'd been living, they asked me why - but there's no use in talking to people who have home.
They have no idea what it's like to seek safety in other people - for home to be wherever you lay your head.
I was always an unusual girl.
My mother told me I had a chameleon soul, no moral compass pointing due north, no fixed personality; just an inner indecisiveness that was as wide and as wavering as the ocean...
And if I said I didn't plan for it to turn out this way I'd be lying...
Because I was born to be the other woman.
Who belonged to no one, who belonged to everyone.
Who had nothing, who wanted everything, with a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom that terrified me to the point that I couldn't even talk about it, and pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me." - Lana Del Rey

Once Upon a Time

You think you know what you're doing until you realize that sometimes things just are. They don't need questions or reasons for their mere existence.

Once upon a time there was a boy...