The Thing About Grief

There’s a funny thing about grief. A funny thing about grief that after so many years of carrying that weight the absence of a loved one leaves in its stead, it becomes so familiar, so embedded in every cell of our bodies. It becomes our most familiar self because in time we not only know it by name, we can recognize it in ourselves when we look in the mirror. There’s a funny thing about grief, that though so unbearable is the pain of seeing a loved one in your dreams it is even more intolerable waking up to never seeing them again. 

And after many years have gone and eradicated their voice away, their scent, their presence, the only thing that stays is the grief that never loses its grip. There’s a funny thing about grief because after all the memories start fading away one by one the reality is that one holds on to that grief instead because it is all that truly remains connecting us to that one who came and left a void never to be filled. It’s going to be more than 20 years now since you've been gone and though sometimes the grief feels like it was just today I saw you lying in that coffin, I am more afraid of the days when I don’t feel it because the truth is, I just don’t know who I am if I’m not grieving you. 

Prague- Finally Home

Very recently, I had the privilege of going back to my ideal city, my little Utopia— Prague. The first time I was there I never truly quite understood what it was about that city that made me feel the way it did, all I knew was that my feelings of peace, sense of security, and desire to settle were far too real for me to ignore for a long time after I had left. And so it was that when I heard of the opportunity to go back there, to stay in the same place I had the first time, to bring back to life the memories that had for a while been put away on a shelf gathering dust in the confinements of my mind, I jumped at the possibility.

As soon as I stepped off the plane and onto Czech territory, I realized without a doubt that one day, this is where I want to lay myself to sleep every night. It was as time had stood still and the past year had been erased from my existence. The time between my last there and now had been nothing but a pause in time. It was as though I had never left. 

Once again I walked on those cobblestone streets while gazing upon the colorful, ancient architecture of each building. Once again I sat down to enjoy my favorite choice of coffee in the charming coffeeshops spread throughout the city. 

I took my time to breathe in the familiar yet strange feeling of belonging. 

What it was that captivated me so about this city, I did not really know. It wasn’t until the end of my time there that came around the corner like a thief ready to steal everything that’s ever made me truly happy, I finally recognized that my love for this place was not found in the buildings, or the sights, neither in the coffeeshops or the parks, rather it was in the feeling that no matter who I was, what I did, what I chose to be, I would never, ever feel like a stranger. In the span throughout my years I have never had a real sense of belonging anywhere, for one reason or another I never felt I had a “home” per se, that is until I finally found it tucked between four other European countries. 

I left Prague for the second time on January 6th at 6:55pm. This time, I am not sad nor feel nostalgic about it, for I know it will always be there for me whenever I am finally ready to grow roots of my very own. Until then, I always have the consolation that in my heart and mind, I know I finally have found a place to call HOME. 

Budapest-Almost Home

In the absence of everything that provided  me company I found an intimacy beyond the Danube river as my eyes gazed upon the ancient buildings of mustard and brown hues. It was in the gloomy skies that I found the reflection of my soul on that day, 24 hours after turning 30, and yet, found that I had within me a love so pure and deep for the life I had grown to hold. There embedded between the ancient structures was life and history tucked in. The lives of those in the past so firmly written for those of us to come and behold with our eyes. 

How much has humanity changed within the last couple of centuries? I have come to believe there is no unknown change one  person has gone through after another decades ago. It’s all relative and there is no absolute truth. Just as I can come across someone from a completely different continent and share views about ourselves only to realize it’s my thoughts he’s been thinking, it’s my words he’s been speaking, and it’s my desires he’s been going after, I am sure Hemingway, Locke and Donne would all come to the realization that time is just a divide between generations yet not between views, thoughts, and desires among humans. 

Upon turning 30 this weekend, I was asked the question of “what do you want for your 30th year of life?” And though every year I strive to learn something new to be a better human being, this year feels more than special. As humans we live our lives based on either two things: love or fear. Fear is the root of all things negative, even those we classify as hatred, comfort, anger, etc. 

I have been a slave of fear for over 20 years. More specifically rejecting the idea that someone can actually care for me because if they do care then I am prone to let my guard down. And so I’ve slaved on working hard to build that wall keeping many as outsiders and only allowing them to look into the corners of my heart through a looking glass. It’s been tiring, needless to say. And at 30, all I want for this new year—and new decade— is to stop being afraid. So what if I love and don’t get reciprocated? I should love merely to love and not to receive anything in return. So what if I give my all but only receive a decimal of what I thought I should get back from friends, a potential love. As far as I know they have proved they love me. There is a cycle that never ceases to engulf me—waterfalls. The water flows one way, yet it is never drained. Every time I see one I get lost in its cycle of giving. Somehow it is always fulfilled, fulfilled enough to keep on giving. So let it be—I tell myself as I walk along the Danube river on this gloomy but rather peaceful day— let your love be like a waterfall. Just give love and somehow you will be always be fulfilled. But before that can happen, the absence of fear must be present. 

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All for the sake of today, he wrote upon his wall. 

He wrote it upon his wall as he remembered that it had been his actions the very ones that had now brought him to where he was today. 

He had multiple times voiced that he didn’t want her by his side. He did not, and truly rejected, entering on a new road of life with someone by his side. 

And now, here he was. 

Exactly where he had said he wanted to be, alone, and utterly living a life with no one by his side. 

But “all for the sake of today” he repeated to himself out loud as he walked a few steps backwards away from the wall and looked upon the written words brightly shining on the freshly painted wall. 

Paint dripping off the letters “A” of All and “day” of today. 

His heart wrung with anguish at the thought that yet again another had walked away. 

She had walked away, and though he knew he had told her clearly he didn't want her, he also knew it had been his intention for her to hold on to him just a little longer. If only they could fight, just one more time. 

If only they would try, just one more time, he would be able to see that they were truly committed. Yet, none of them stayed. 

All walked away. 

And it was for the best in the end, he knew. 

For alone he had grown to live and alone 

he would grow to die. 

Like Father, like Son

There is something so beautiful in the live portrait that is next to me on this last night in one of my most favorite cities in the world. The counted hours and mere seconds, though unaware have kept on counting the uncountable, they have for now and at least for me counted down to the last few hours I will be in Prague. As such, I decided to have a ritual of my own. A goodbye to my beloved. What started with a late evening lunch at my favorite café Saldkvosky then moved on to my next favorite cafe Kavarna Sláger with a double cappuccino and a slice of raspberries cheesecake. Writing and reading, and drinking and eating. The hours drew on painting the bright blue sky with its dark night hues and sprinkled lights here and there. In the midst of reading If on a winter’s night a traveller I looked to my left and caught the eye of an eight year old boy—my assumptions of course. I smiled and he smiled faintly, with the awareness that I am a stranger. His father joined him a few seconds later as well as a huge slice of chocolate and whipped cream covered cake—or cheesecake— accompanied by a glass bottle of Coca-Cola. The father only sipping on a beer, perhaps. And as the boy enjoys that cake with great delight that only a child can, the father speaks to him in Czech and watches him with tender eyes. It is not merely the fact that on a Tuesday evening here is a father and son sitting across each other having an actual conversation. It is not merely the fact that this boy is enjoying the delights of sugar as any child desires, but here is the portrait of a relationship so intimate unobstructed by the countless—and yes these are countable— things that have come between so many fathers and sons, mothers and daughters.  

It is by far more precious than the hundreds of years old statues around the city and far more worthwhile than gazing at the beautiful, and colorful buildings that are spread around the city. 

Unfortunately, I did not have the privilege of growing up or even meeting my own father. And though I have wondered one too many times what it would be like to have had him, I can say that for now, this image, this most vivid and live image of father and son sitting next to me has imprinted the perfect emblem of what I would like to have the day I can have a family of my own.  A perfect way, in my opinion, to say, until next time my beloved Prague.

What is the object of your desire?

It’s been stated that more than a million people travel each year to visit “one of the most iconic archaeological sites in the world”. A place where many have found themselves gazing not only at the marvelous ability of humanity in creating a fantastical city but also feeling the immense peace that nature can offer. Yet, while millions are looking down on this wonder of the world, feeling the beauty of it take over their senses, another has his back turned to it, capturing a moment on the simplest of things: blades of grass. Which brings me to my question: what is the object of your desire? And is it truly wrong to desire that which thousands have not even given it a second glance?

Things you will find in Prague

“You take delight not in a city's seven or seventy wonders, but in the answer it gives to a question of yours.” -- Italo Calvino

Prague is by far my favorite city in the world. Sure, every time I heard about Prague I heard nothing but great things. It is a small city, it has great public transportation, it is cheap and the best places to eat vegetarian/vegan food as well as for meat eaters. You can rent a nice apartment for $250 USD/month and get this, go to the movies, buy popcorn and soda all for about $8. But that is not all, I mean the people here are friendly, they don't mind accommodating Americans with their lack of spoken languages so most people here speak english and don't seem bothered by having to do so. It is a fairy tale city with its castle sitting on top of a hill overlooking Charles Bridge and its cobblestone streets. Not to mention that one feels safe walking through dim-lit parks at night and leaving your Mac on the table while you go to the restroom-- though this is something that always gives me anxiety while I am in the toilet. And definitely no pickpockets on public transportation. It is, needless to say, perfect.

Or is it?

Well just as with everything in life, it has its pros just as much as its cons. One thing you will be sure to find on the streets is none other than dog poop. Yes. Dog Poop everywhere. Freshly made and the way you'll know that is because someone hasn't been unfortunate enough to step on it. Other than that, you'll always see how the unfortunate ones dragged it along for a few meters on the cobblestone trying to get rid of the curse, and the stink.
If you're a runner you'll have to travel a bit to get to a nice park where you will be sure you won't be stepping on dog poop while you're on that runner's high.
My first day here, while I did not step on any, I was rolling my suitcase on the street when it happened to roll over some old dog poop. What a great beginning to my adventure here, I thought.
But, guys and girls, so far that is it. That is all I have found unfavorable in this magical city. Of course, it is just a small nuisance that in the end it is far worth the outcome if you get to spend a few days here. Just keep your eyes on the road as I have.

My favorite place to eat thus far, Café Sladkvoskÿ
I have been eating everything on the menu that is listed as Vegan/vegetarian and not once have I been disappointed. The decoration, the service and the prices are all too good to just come once. And the best part is that I am living just across the street.